IT STARTED WITH A SWEATSHIRT
This morning I took my wife to work early, and after dropping her off decided to head to the gym before I began my work. After checking in at the front desk, I walked toward the locker rooms. Sitting in a new shared workspace on the way to the locker rooms was a gentleman at a small round table with his laptop. He was a black gentleman wearing a proud Dad sweatshirt announcing that his child was attending (or had attended) one of the area’s law schools. He had a very pleasant calm demeanor about him, and I approached him and congratulated him. I told him that although I am a 65-year-old spin instructor who teaches indoor cycle classes, I am also a practicing attorney. The gentleman introduced himself as Terry and asked if I wanted to sit down and chat. I happily accepted.
Terry was interested in how I became a spin (indoor cycle) instructor, how long I have been teaching, and whether I was from the area. He also proudly pointed to his tall very handsome son who was working the front desk at the gym. I told Terry that I grew up in the area, and that I was pretty much the luckiest guy in the world in that 50 years ago on a Monday I met my soulmate, Annie.
As we sat and talked, he noted that many people walking by said “hi” to me. I told him that this is because not only do I teach at the gym, but that I truly enjoy meeting new people and learning their stories and being present with them. Terry asked me about that. In response, I decided to share with him that although I have always enjoyed interacting with new people, I made a conscious choice as the new Millenium approached at the end of 1999. I told him that shortly before that New Year, while at dinner with my family I told them that I had an announcement to make. I told them that while I realize that for as long as I live people will see me as a six-foot-tall American Jewish white guy attorney, inside I am going to throw away those labels and try to engage everyone I meet as just another human sharing a brief journey on this planet.
Terry began to explore with me how I have internally tried to live since I made that fateful announcement to my family so many years ago now. I told him that it has been an amazing experience. When you let go of labels and preconceived notions, and you just interact with people, the World becomes a richer, warmer place. You begin to see how each of us are given labels at birth and early on. You’re labeled by skin color, gender, nationality, religion, and so many other labels. Then, the World interacts with you in certain positive (and not so positive) ways because of how you have been labeled and preconceived. You become the product of your experiences and how you have been treated by the World. You begin to learn that your experiences and what you learned from them are valid for you, but that everyone else’s experiences are valid for them.
I told Terry that I have never been a person of color, I have never been a female, I have never been a member of the LGBTQ community, I have never been Haitian (he laughed at the joke), I have never been Christian or Muslim, and I have never been lots of other things. All I can do is meet people and learn who they are based upon their experiences and their validity, and try to stand in their shoes as much as I can.
We discussed the differences between the Platinum Rule and the Golden Rule. The Gold Rule is to treat other people how you want to be treated, which is nice and warm and fuzzy. However, I said that I lean in more to the Platinum Rule, which is to treat everyone how they want to be treated. I said that this requires you to learn about the other person and who they are and what their life has been like. Terry correctly pointed out that while we should treat other people how they want to be treated, we must evaluate and not treat others how people they want to be treated if it would be destructive or improper.
Terry told me that he grew up in Mississippi, one of seven kids of a woman with seven different fathers. He said that times were hard and he wound up in prison, however, he eventually became an ordained minister and that his ministry is the Church of New Beginnings in Manhattan. His wife is a teacher, his daughter is an attorney in Manhattan who works for the government supporting disadvantaged folks. His son, who is a fellow employee of mine at the gym, is in college figuring it out. Terry’s story blew me away. I told him that I will attend a service at his church because I want to hear him do his thing.
So, what does this all mean? Well, we are currently caught up in an ugly election cycle in the United States where the former President and his surrogates spread unfounded hatred and lies about groups of people, and continue to lean into those lies even when they are exposed as being untrue. Where whole swaths of people are being invalidated because the teaching of their histories, experiences and realities in the United States have been banned or greatly curtailed in some states, and yet we teach histories and experiences of people from Europe, Asia, Africa, etc. The history of everyone belongs to everyone. It explains how we (as individuals and a society) got to be who we are, and how we can best move forward together for the benefit of everyone. The alternative is building walls and moats and things to divide us (physically and mentally), which really doesn’t work on a round planet that gets smaller every day.
I guess all I am saying is that none of us wants to be hated or invalidated based upon some preconceived notion of who we might be made by people who have never met us, spoken to us, listened to us, been present with us. I guess all I’m saying is never let anyone tell you whom to hate. Take the time and make the effort to meet the “others”, even though to them you are an “other”. You’ll find that the vast majority of them are us — just people with their own stories and experiences which are different then yours, but just as valid.
